


No Turning Back

by lostinmysticfalls



Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 15:36:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11360400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinmysticfalls/pseuds/lostinmysticfalls
Summary: It happens every other night, just like clockwork.  Alicia comes by, they get their fill, and then she's gone again.  It's her way of coping, an escape.  At least that's what she tells herself.  But Jake's going to make sure things go differently tonight.





	No Turning Back

**Author's Note:**

> I have lots of ships but not every pairing inspires me to write. This one has. I know I'm in trouble and most definitely entering a world of pain. Who wants to join me?

The sun is going down behind the summer-torched trees, the hills covered in dry grass slowly being cloaked in darkness as it descends over the horizon. There is no need for a clock, he knows what comes next. It’s been happening for the past two weeks, every other day, soon after the ranch and all of its surroundings succumb to the twilight. 

The door opens right on cue, letting in a tepid breeze. 

He’s still standing with his back to it, eyes fixed on the sunset and the steady encompassing dusk falling across the land. His head gently tilts downward, listening to the sound of her footsteps over the creaking wooden floor but he doesn’t pivot. 

“What are we doing?” He asks. It’s the first time he’s ever really questioned it openly and with as many words.

Alicia smiles, her hair cascading over one shoulder. “What we usually do.”

Jake shakes his head. “This has to stop, Alicia.” The way he says her name is pleading. He finally turns around, a plain white t-shirt molding his upper body. 

His blue eyes burn with uncertainty, the corner of his mouth twitching to form a half smile. Alicia doesn’t move. She’s taken her stand near the entrance of the room, her glances alternating between him and anything else in the room. Jake has been her escape for the past weeks, a way of keeping her head above water while the rest of the world falls apart around her. 

But she knows he’s right. He can only fill the void for a fraction of her day—figuratively and literally. She snickers under her breath as she thinks about it.

“So this is it then?” She asks. “We’re done?”

Jake bites his lip, eyebrows knitted as he looks away for a brief moment. He smiles when he glances back at her. “What do you want?” He pauses. “The first day you were here, I asked if you needed something. What is it that you need, Alicia?”

She chuckles. He already knows the answer to that. She wants to feel normal again but she also know that’s impossible. The world they’re now living in, with death waiting for them at every corner, loved ones dying without even garnering a proper period of mourning—that isn’t normal.

He picks up a rolled up blanket from his bed in silence, grabbing a flashlight off the top of the nightstand as he walks past her toward the door. His hand wraps around the doorknob, freezing right before he pulls the door open. He cocks his head, beckoning her to follow.

* * *

The breeze makes the tall grass dance against the starry firmament. The dirt road is one she’s traveled quite frequently, and she has a pretty good idea of where they are going but she doesn’t ask for confirmation. 

Neither of them has said much.

They stop at the edge of the cliff, the moonbeams sparkling over the calm waters of the lake. 

“It’s quite the rush isn’t it?” He points the flashlight toward the ground and she knows exactly what he means. 

Alicia lifts an eyebrow, lips pursed in indignation although she does find his question amusing. “What? Are you spying on me now?” 

Jake lays out the blanket on the grassy patch and takes a seat, bringing this knees up to his chest. He looks up at her and after a few seconds she joins him. “Concerned.” He replies, gazing at her with soft eyes.

She still hasn’t gotten a good grasp of who Jake Otto truly is. While she wants to believe that he’s speaking with kindhearted intentions, the survivalist in her can’t help being skeptical of his kindness. The months after the outbreak have taught her that trust is a commodity that should be guarded at all costs. His charms, however, have been difficult to resist and she finds herself faltering more often than not. 

Her answer is wary. “Life used to have meaning before the infection spread, I’ve mentioned that before, haven’t I?”

“Who says the meaning’s been lost?” He answers in haste.

She seems bothered by his reply. “You’re one of those people.”

Jake smiles. “One of those people…” He repeats mockingly. 

“Yeah. The optimists who think this world can still be saved. The ones who don’t realize everything’s gone to shit.” 

Somehow her own statement strikes a cord. A rush of heat invades her belly like a sudden, unexplained dose of adrenaline racing through her veins. It’s not hard to guess what he’ll say next. She can almost hear the words before he even speaks them. It’s her fault, really. It was left open for interpretation, unknowingly revealing a little more about her own desires.

“Then why me?” He asks just as she was asking herself a similar question. _Why Jake?_ She’s thankful that he can’t listen to her thoughts. “If all you want is to forget about all this for a couple hours every other day, why not one of your bible study buddies? Or anyone else for that matter?”

She laughs, hoping that he can’t hear the nervousness that accompanies it. “Don’t flatter yourself, Jake.”

He scoots a little further into the blanket, leaning back until he’s hit the ground and is staring straight up at the sky. The Milky Way is still wondrous and breathtaking even in the midst of the madness in which they’re living. 

“You know what I think?”

Alicia huffs and even though she seems reluctant at first, she lays down, her hands under the back of her head. She’s quiet, not wanting to give him any sort of hint on whether his following assumption is right or wrong.

She can almost hear him smiling, and catches a glimpse of his handsome face out of the corner of her eye.

“I think the girl who existed before the outbreak is still there.” His words are warm, voice gaining a bit of a deeper tone now that he’s resting on his back. “The girl who loved art and poetry. The one who got lost in books and believed in happily-ever-afters.”

Alicia doesn’t know why but she’s suddenly overtaken by an overwhelming urge to cry. She breathes, slowly and deeply, eyes on the twinkling stars above, refusing to let a single tear roll down her cheeks. She hates admitting that he is right but she can’t deny the fact that she was drawn to him for a very specific reason. 

He was the first person in a long time who possessed something that resonated with her—with the girl she used to be. The girl she was still holding onto below the surface.

“That kind of thinking will get you killed in this world.” She mutters. “Trust me.” 

Jake turns to her, “I know where you’re coming from. I’ve seen it happen to those around me. But you can’t blame me for wanting more than just fulfilling basic needs. If we allow survival to turn into a mechanical process then we’re no better than the infected. What’s the point of being alive then?”

She smiles. _What’s the point?_

He sighs. “Ambivalence is part of human nature. It’s what allows you to make your own choices, to decide what’s worth living for. No one can dictate that except you.”

Her eyelashes flutter as she listens to every single word, enamored by the way he sees the world and with each blink realizing that the earth is still spinning on its axis, unperturbed by the chaos in which it’s engulfed. 

But the left side of her brain is too dominant to ignore and she finds herself uttering her reasoning. “The world is about survival now more than ever. We can’t afford to lose grasp of that by pretending we can still live a normal life.”

He hasn’t taken his eyes off of her. “Surviving doesn’t mean you have to stop living, Alicia. And something tells me the reason you came to me is because you’ve thought about that too on more than one occasion.”

He’s only partially right but she doesn’t have the heart to tell him that the first time she came to him was also because she was desperate to feel something other than hopelessness. _Why? Why does she care if the truth hurts him or not?_

Jake is different than the others, she’s painfully aware of that. If he weren't, then it would’ve just been a one-time thing. But she kept coming back to him, and in her mind it was easy to dismiss it as a simple way of coping. She made herself believe it was nothing more than a quick lay to forget about her worries and satisfy her need for human contact.

“Don’t you think that’s selfish of you?” She asks, turning on her side. Hands clasped together as she rests the side of her face over them. “To form relationships with others when you know that you or they can die at any moment? How is that fair?”

His eyes travel over her face, taking in the softness of her skin and the lines that form her perfect features. “Is that what you’re afraid of? Caring for others and then having them taken away?”

She’s calm but can feel her heartbeat speeding up as she remembers everyone she’s lost so far. “That’s what always seems to happen.”

“You’re afraid to get hurt. So you would rather deprive yourself of emotions than develop any kind of attachment to someone.” He furrows his brow, eyes narrowing like he’s trying to decipher a comprehensive puzzle. “How’s that for selfishness?”

Alicia doesn’t argue with him, deep down she knows he’s right. She pretends to be fearless and tough but can’t deny that what he says hits home. 

After a moment, he grins, and at first she has no idea why. It’s not until he recites the words that she understands. “We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”

The sound of laughter rises from her throat. “Of course.” She says. “Bukowski knew his shit didn’t he?”

Jake nods, admiring her beautiful smile and the way her green eyes reflect a glint of happiness. At the same time hoping he gets to see a lot more of that as the days go by.

“Show me.” Alicia’s voice is a mellow whisper. “If you truly believe that, show me.” A warmth ripples through her, bathing her cheeks in a rosy glow. Somehow this request seems more forward than physically flinging herself at him like she has before.

It takes a moment for him to read into what she’s asking of him.

He inches a little closer, rousing her body with his proximity. His pools of blue sweep over her like he’s never seen anyone more beautiful in his life. The seconds that pass before his lips touch hers seem agonizing. Alicia likes being in control, she likes knowing she’s got the upper hand in any given situation, especially when it comes to personal interactions. It was no accident that she dropped that coffee cup the first time Jake tried to touch her, and she’s made sure to make her dominance perfectly clear right from start. 

This time, however, she lets him take the lead. It’s the first sign of her allowing him a peek behind the wall she’s built around herself. Her only hope is that it doesn’t end in regret.

He kisses her slowly, softly tasting her fleshy lips. His body pins her to the ground as he hovers over her and envelops her in his warmth. Alicia feels an immediate stir in her core. His kisses, his smell, the way he moves around her, there’s a notable difference to it. Her aching center pulses with every touch of his hands and her lips inadvertently let out needy mewls as her fingers run through his brown hair.

Jake’s mouth glides over her neck, his hot breath ghosting across her skin, inhaling her scent. Her legs are wrapped around him and he’s hard against her center as he pushes into her. 

She pulls at his shirt, making him smile as its peeled off his back. His face moves over her chest, fingers slowly undoing her jeans as she struggles to kick off her boots. For the first time, she finds herself conflicted between her need to have him inside her and letting him go at his own pace. 

His hands slide under her shirt, lifting it over her stomach until he’s removed it in its entirety. Long drawn out kisses and gentle strokes flourish with every passing minute and the articles of clothing continue to fall off their bodies until they’re both bare. Warm skin against warm skin under the blue glow of the moonlight. 

Alicia clasps to his back, her nails tracing his muscles as he finds her heated entrance and dives into her. She’s writhing and moaning, her walls tightening around him with each thrust of his hips. They continue this dance for minutes on end, their bodies sheathed in sweat from the exertion after some time. 

Jake is kissing her with fervor as he reaches new depths, nipping her plump lips and enjoying every second he spends watching her come undone.

He pauses for a bit, peering at her as she settles down from her high, his hand tenderly caressing the side of her face. He can feel her heartbeat bursting with elation against his chest, and kisses her. Then slowly again, he starts up the undulating movements between her legs, gaining speed and force until they both eventually reach the point of ultimate satisfaction and begin to unravel one after the other.

* * *

Alicia’s breathing is steady now, the long strands of her hair falling like a halo around her head as she stares at the night sky. She will not say it out loud but she has spent those silent moments trying to assimilate what’s just occurred between them. 

Jake is still putting on his clothes, zipping up his jeans as he flashes a charming smile at her. She returns the gesture in earnest, coming to the realization that this encounter was vastly different from the others. This time, she had felt something more than just pleasure and gratification. 

The voice in her head tries to make sense of it all. _Maybe it was because she didn’t take the initiative. Maybe she was too focused, maybe she wasn’t focused enough. Maybe it was because he’d done things differently._ But deep down she knows it was none of those things. 

Alicia’s stomach twists and tightens into knots, heart pattering a little faster as she silently talks herself through it and untangles her thoughts. 

There’s one thing she knows for sure. She’s made a mistake by letting it happen the way it did. It’s not that she regrets what they have done. No, it’s not that. Her mistake was allowing herself to feel more than what was necessary. Her willingness to let go is what led her to this and she will have to pay for it in the end.

As soon as her mind accepts that, she senses the fear rush in, like a cold hand gliding across her back, sending chills down her spine and making her blood run cold. 

That wall that had been there before she allowed Jake to break it down, is nothing but rubble now. And Alicia knows they’ve both crossed a line into dangerous territory. 

It took days. Weeks. But she’s now ready to admit to herself that she’s still capable of feeling and caring for those other than her own flesh and blood. Her humanity is still intact, vulnerable and flawed no matter how much she wishes it were different. 

“We should head back.” He says, and extends a hand to help her up. Just the simple touch of his fingers fills her with an inexplicable warmth that wasn’t there before.

He takes the blanket in his other hand and throws it over his shoulder, making little effort to try to restore it to its previous rolled-up state.

“There’s more to that Bukowski quote than what we just did, obviously.” He says with a smirk. “You’ll see.” His words are full of promise. 

Alicia smiles and instantly arrives at a couple conclusions. One, that he has no intention of letting go of her hand as they begin their walk back to the ranch. And two, that she likes him a little more than she’d like to admit. 

But perhaps the most important realization that she’s come to that night—and one that terrifies her—is that she’s still capable of feeling something other than just hopelessness. 

The girl that cares is still in there.

Alicia cares if Jake Otto lives or dies and she’s well aware of which of those two options she’s desperately clinging onto after only two short weeks with him. And after tonight, there’s no turning back.


End file.
